By Emma McGowan

In many people’s fantasies, their sex lives are a spontaneous, fireworks-filled adventure. Doing it against the walls! Eight different positions at once! Stamina for days! Fifteen times a week!

The reality, however, almost never matches up to what we’re dreaming about in our heads.

Whether it’s painful sex; the daily grind of work, social commitments, and perhaps even kids; or medications that interfere with your sex drive, there are myriad reasons why sex might slide down the priority list. The impact? It's not just about missing out on the fun; it can strain the emotional and physical bond between partners.

Luckily for you, this might be one of the few cases when “One Simple Solution!” is actually accurate: It’s time to get scheduling.

Just a few reasons why you might be having less sex than you’d like

But first: What’s going on here? Why aren’t we having more sex? It's a question many couples ask themselves, often with a sense of frustration or confusion. Understanding why the frequency of sex might decrease is key to addressing the issue. Here are some common reasons why couples might find themselves having less sex than they'd like:

1. Busy schedules: Life can be hectic. Between work, family obligations, social commitments, and personal downtime, finding moments for intimacy often takes a back seat. This constant hustle can leave us too exhausted for anything other than a quick peck goodnight.

2. Physical health issues: Health problems, whether chronic or temporary, can significantly impact sex drive and performance. Conditions like hormonal imbalances, pain during sex, erectile dysfunction, or chronic pain can make sex less frequent or enjoyable.

3. Mental health and stress: Mental health is closely linked to sexual desire. Stress, anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues can dampen libido. When the mind is preoccupied or fatigued, the last thing it might want is sex.

4. Painful sex: For many, sex isn’t always pleasurable. Conditions like endometriosis, vaginal dryness, or postpartum changes can make sex painful. This is not only a physical barrier but can also create a psychological aversion to intimacy.

5. Relationship issues: Underlying relationship problems – lack of communication, unresolved conflicts, or dwindling emotional connection – can manifest as a reduced interest in sex. When emotional intimacy suffers, physical intimacy often follows suit.

6. Changing dynamics: Life changes, such as having a baby, going through menopause, or dealing with career transitions, can alter the dynamic of a relationship and, consequently, its sexual rhythm.

7. Routine and monogamy: Long-term relationships might fall into a routine that lacks spontaneity or excitement. When sex becomes predictable, mundane, or just “meh,” what’s the motivation to want to keep doing it?

8. Conflicting sex drives: It’s rare for partners to have perfectly matched libidos. Over time, this mismatch can lead to frustration and less frequent sex if not addressed with understanding and communication.

9. Tech distractions: In our digitally-connected world, it's easy to get lost in screens and social media. These distractions can lead to less time spent connecting with our partners in meaningful, intimate ways.

10. Self esteem and body image: How we feel about our bodies plays a big role in our sexual confidence. Insecurities or negative self-perception can lead to avoiding sexual encounters.

When your Google Calendar becomes a sex toy

Okay, so now that we’ve outlined some of the reasons why you might not be getting to it as often as you’d like, let’s get to solutions: Enter the concept of scheduling, a suggestion that might initially seem more suited to boardrooms than bedrooms. But hear me out—or rather, let’s listen to what sex therapist Leighanna Nordstrom, founder of Break the Mold Therapy, has to say about it.

Leighanna likens the early stages of a relationship to that catchy new song you can’t stop playing. Everything is fresh, exciting, and seemingly effortless. But as time goes on, the novelty fades, and sex can take a backseat to life's other demands. Scheduling sex, Leighanna argues, brings it back to the forefront. Knowing it's on the horizon can spark anticipation, rekindle desire, and deepen connections. It’s about making sex a priority, not an afterthought.

For those who thrive on structure, a sex schedule can be a reassuring beacon in the chaos of everyday life. No more second-guessing or feeling frustrated about when it last happened. Plus, it challenges the status quo, pushing couples toward a healthier balance in their relationship.

But what about spontaneity? Leighanna tackles this concern head-on. The misconception, she says, is equating the intensity of new relationship energy with spontaneity.

“In a novel relationship, sex is at the forefront of your mind, which leaves you pent up enough that when you finally see your partner things happen ‘spontaneously,’" Leighanna says. “If couples are concerned about the loss of spontaneity all they have to do is reengage with the fantasy, thus recreating that deep need.” 

And remember, scheduling doesn’t mean you can’t be spontaneous at other times. In fact, it might just awaken what Leighanna calls "the sex dragon," leading to more frequent encounters. (Who among us hasn’t started having sex again and realized you want to do it all the time?)

Making scheduled sex sexy, not a chore

The key to successfully scheduling sex lies in its execution. Leighanna recommends starting with a flexible, soft schedule. This means setting realistic goals based on your current sexual frequency and gradually increasing them. It’s not just about penciling in time slots; it’s about creating opportunities for intimacy.

Here's where it gets interesting: the spontaneity in scheduled sex comes from the how. Who initiates? What type of sex will it be—maintenance, emotional, spiritual, or adventurous? Where will it happen? Are you trying something new? These questions inject a dose of excitement and unpredictability into the mix.

The ripple effect on relationships

Scheduling sex isn't just about increasing the quantity of your encounters; it's about enhancing the quality of your overall relationship. Regular sexual encounters can reignite non-sexual physical intimacy (NSPI), reducing fear of rejection and disappointment. Everyday acts can start to feel like foreplay, boosting mood and general enjoyment of life. It's about recapturing the playfulness and connection that might have been sidelined.

Still unsure?

Before you mark your calendars, Leighanna advises couples to establish a framework for discussing sex. Are both partners' needs being met? Is there anything new they want to try? It's about setting realistic expectations and being open to adjustments. Remember, change in a relationship is more of a dimmer switch than a light switch—gradual adjustments lead to more sustainable shifts.

Scheduling sex might not sound like the most romantic notion at first blush, but with a bit of creativity and open communication, it could be the key to reigniting the flame in your relationship. And who knows, your Google Calendar might just become your new favorite bedroom accessory.